Suicide Mission
by PeachyKeen
Summary: Kelso deals with a problem in his life...Don't bother flaming me, b/c i don't give a rat's ass, and this is the original stories, compressed into one file.


The Funeral

The Foreman clan finished their breakfast and loaded themselves into the Vista Cruiser.Red, Kitty, and Laurie sat up front, while Hyde and Eric were piled in the back."I can't believe that dumbass Kelso killed himself!" Red blurted.Kitty jabbed him with her elbow.Eric piped up, "Dad, Kelso…Yes he was a dumbass, but…something was horribly wrong.He was a really good friend, so leave him alone!"Red glared one of his usual are-you-talking-back-to-me-because-if-you-are-I'll-kick-your-ass glares.On the half-hour drive, each was lost in their own thoughts.Red's thought was especially grouchy. "_Why did his funeral have to be **today?During a Green Bay game! Couldn't that dumbass wait?!****"Next to him Kitty was lost in her own somber thoughts: **__Oh my…oh..well..oh dear… Laurie was careless as usual "__He wasn't a that great in the sack at all.Better that that one guy I dated…What was his name? Aaron, Adam, or was it Andy? Oh well. They all sucked."Hyde even thought "human" thoughts: "__God, Kelso was so young… We weren't exactly the best of friends, especially after his dog bit me on the ass, but we were friends just the same.Now who the hell am I going to pick on"? Eric had already fallen asleep, after crying half the night anyway._

A half-hour later, they arrived at Peaceful Slumber Funeral Home.They joined Bob, Midge, and Donna, who immediately embraced her boyfriend.The Burkhardts and Fez's host family were there, with Jackie clutched to a very distressed looking Fez.The Kelso's were the first group in line, and there were a few other unfamiliar families in the group.A short, fat Italian guy opened the door."This way, ladies and gentlemen." He softly spoke.When they got inside the first thing they saw was Kelso's chestnut colored coffin, with the young man inside it.His shaggy brown hair was in its usual style, despite his head injuries.His face was covered nicely, but there were still some scars and bruises that were uncoverable.His lips were still soft and red, as always, and they were the only part of his face that wasn't injured.Jackie and Fez embraced each other tightly.Donna broke down and buried her face into Eric's shoulder.Hyde was crying, even though he'd forbidden himself to let out this emotion after Kelso's dog incident.At the end, the teens were the last to walk to the coffin.Eric was the first one up."Kelso, man..Thanks for being a good pal.You gave us all laughs, and now the sadness.I…love you, man."Donna just blew him a soft kiss, and stroked his hand.Hyde was next."Kel, Why'd you go and die on me?I planned on being friends with you 'till you and I got out of college.I'm gonna miss you and… I hope you and that bitch 'Lassie' are in Heaven together. Save me a place, man."Fez and Jackie were next."Well, this is it..I only knew you for a few years, but you've provided many hours of enjoyment.You made me feel at home, though I was away from my country..The beautiful country of—" " Fez? Can I be alone with Michael for a few minutes?"Fez nodded and walked out quickly, happy to get away from her for a while…."Michael.I love you.I wanted you back with me sooo badly.I wanted to kiss you, and hug you, and hold you tight…and I would have made sweet, sweet love to you forever…" She lowered her voice to a whisper, "I love you," and she gently kissed his cold lips.She ran her finger along his hair, and walked out.

The next morning, The Kelso family men pulled his coffin out of the Hurst, and carried it to the thing that would lower it into the ground.A pile of roses and carnations were on the top of the casket, and everyone was softly weeping. The pastor read Psalm 23: "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; he leadeth me beside the still waters.He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his names' sake.Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of the valley of death, I will fear no evil: For thou _art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; thou annointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."Everyone had stared to cry and sob.Everyone left, but their lingering sadness stayed behind.When they got to Red and Kitty's home, where she was hosting a memorial lunch, Donna and Eric sat outside on the back porch, and reminisced."Donna, remember that time that me, you, Kelso, Jackie and Hyde were at Kel's and we were playing baseball.Then suddenly out of nowhere came that big stupid collie and—" "It bit Hyde on the ass and he started crying?Yeah, I do. That was hilarious." Donna smiled, and kissed Eric."Don't you ever die on me.""Why shouldn't I die on you?" He smirked."If you do, I'll have Red ride your ass in hell." This time Eric kissed Donna, and they held each other on the porch._

In Fez's car, a used '66 G.T.O, Fez and Jackie were also reminiscing."Jackie, i. Um.. I have a confession to make.Y'know, I always dreamed of the day when I'd get the chance to go out with you.I just didn't want the chance to come like this.""Fez? Date? But you are a foreign-born kid! That is, like, way unpopular!" "Jackie, you are a Goddess.I don't care about popularity.Kelso is gone, and he wouldn't want you to be alone. He loved you.I love you. Please, give me a chance!" "Okay" and with that The two exchanged kisses.

Meanwhile, in Heaven:

God, St. Peter, and Kelso are sitting around a golden t.v. set.Plugged into it, was a Pong system.God looks sort of like Tommy Chong, while St. Peter looks like Cheech Marin.They are having a pong challenge."Wow, Man! You're good at this game!Wanna go again, or would you like to rest and go to the open bar?" God said. "Um…I'll go to the bar.Is there anyplace I could get some pot and a way to spy on my pals on Earth?" "Pot's available at the bar, and spying is reserved for those who have been here for a year or two. Sorry, man." St. Peter said."Thanks for letting me in here.The guys are going to love this place. Free pot, beer, babes, and pong." 

**NOTE: I DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE BY SAYING THIS STUFF ABOUT GOD, ST. PETER, AND HEAVEN, BUT I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN IT IN A DERAGATORY SENSE.REMEMBER, THIS IS ONLY FICTION!**

**I don't own the characters of T7S, and I don't know the actors (nor will I ever) and they are owned by fox or carsey-warner, or whoever….******


End file.
